'My life flashed before my eyes'

It is a statement one hears from someone who has undergone a traumatic, near death experience, or when one is afraid to hear a death sentence approaching them. It is a statement I heard recently and I could not help but wonder what I would see. Not that I wish that something that scary would happen to me, but I wonder, at that moment, what my mind chooses to focus on in that tiny time span: The moments that I think are important? The people I love? The places I cherish? If it does choose one of them, would they coincide with the moments I consider important? Would the list of people remain the same, or would there be a smaller list? What are the places that my mind would want to revisit, in that second?

After that moment, does one reflect on it, and change how they have lived life until that second? Do they choose to be more lively, stand to smell the flowers for a little longer, keep food in their mouths a little longer, and savour each and every moment as it passes by, or do they pick and choose, the moments that they choose to appreciate more, spend more time with those they saw in that fraction of a second, and revisit all those places that they saw?

I am not sure how I would react if, God forbid, something like that happened to me. I have grown to appreciate my family and friends more, now that I live away from most of them, and with those that I do live around, I try to spend as much time with them as I can, for who knows what tomorrow will bring. The best I can do, is to pray that everyone that I love remains strong, healthy and happy for a very long time. I pray that none of them will have to see their life whoosh by in front of them for a long, long time. 

Milestones

There are the milestones that we have to learn in paediatrics (haven't had my classes for that yet, but have been informed on what to look forward to), and there are the milestones we all know about. The latter set of milestones are arbitrary points in life, with no specific landmark in time, that indicate how far we have come, the things we have accomplished, how well we maintain relationships and whether we have changed for better or for worse.

These milestones include schooling, graduating from college, getting a good job, getting married, having children, leading a stable family life, giving the children a stable and caring environment, providing them with a good base for a stable future, retirement, grandchildren, the list keeps going. Ordinarily, these milestones seem easy to accomplish, and why worry that they won't?

But when I think about it, there are so many things that can go wrong on this path, and any detour can lead to a loss of confidence or a stigma is associated with it. Graduating from college may be delayed due to shortage of credits. Obtaining a job may not happen as soon as one would like. One may find the love of their life, but cannot get married, or they get divorced. Infertility issues or the loss of a child can affect a couple's lives. Continuous migration or instability of jobs and finances create less opportunities for a stable growing environment for children. Retirement may not occur in certain fields, due to the invaluable experience of the older workers (medicine is such a field). Will one live to see their grandchildren? Will one stay in touch with their children to get to know their grandchildren?

We all blindly believe that these are the things that are guaranteed to happen in our life. Granted, we even try to plan out when exactly each milestone should take place, but how sure are we that each and every event we plan out, works in our favour?

I guess it is when one hears about events like those that I have mentioned, they strive to not get into the same position. They work hard to stay true to the path they have set for themselves, and despite the turns that lie ahead, they hope that in the end, they achieve what they have always wanted.

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Communication skills

2012 didn't end on December 21st, as the myth went about. For me, it ended with decent results to one of the longest exam seasons to date.('Don't get ahead of yourself! Final year awaits!', as one of my best friends who has completed the final year, and will soon be a medical intern would say.) I spent the last few days of 2012 with my family and a few friends back home. Three weeks at home went by a lot quicker than three weeks of exams. We got to see the newly developed aspect of the city that I love and cherish. On New Year's Eve, the family and I spent it with friends that I have known for three-fourths of my life. Although we've known each other for so long, there are still things I have learnt about them recently.

My anticipation to go back home was what got me through the gruelling exam period. I had hoped that it would always remain the same, the way things were at home, the childishness that I possess would remain the same, because home is where I grew up, and I could remain a child forever. But, home isn't Neverland. We all grow up, and scarily, we all grow old.

Our classes and clinical postings have taught us that as one ages, there are a variety of diseases that one is predisposed to. The lifestyle one lives, their genetic makeup, risk factors that are hidden in the delicious meals they eat each day all possess a risk in contracting diseases that can cause so much harm to someone and their family indirectly.

The hard part about going back home for a medical student, in my opinion, is learning about the health issues that family members, both in the immediate and distant family. I was visiting relatives before I went back home, and because of my chosen field, my relatives started discussing their symptoms, the medications they were on, their lab reports that they kept in files were shown to me for interpretation and all throughout, I kept thinking about the complications of the diseases, the adverse effects of their medications, and fearing that some of these things that I had listed out in my head would happen to them. Apart from hearing about the illnesses my relatives have from themselves, it is a lot harder to hear the exact details why a relative died while in the hospital from his son.

Six months ago, a relative of mine (it's a lot easier to call him that, because explaining the relationship I had with him is going to take a while) went for a normal check up, and was told that his coronaries were blocked. A Coronary Artery Bypass Graft procedure was called for (CABG in medic language). His son was told that the risk of him not making it through the procedure was 5%. He was kept under observation in the ICU for a few days, and was slowly recuperating. He was in his senses and responded well to the people around him. He was also a diabetic, and because of that, he was prone to gangrene at the peripheries. He developed gangrene on his toe, and was kept in the ICU for a longer time. During his ICU stay, they had performed a tracheostomy, because he was conscious. He developed Pseudomonas pneumonia. They had started him on powerful antibiotics, to no avail. He was struggling until 2.08 A.M, August 1st, after which he slowly started to deteriorate. He passed away at 8 A.M, August 1st.

He was one of the very few people who were genuinely happy that I got into medical school. He was very enthusiastic about education and medical care. Although he was a lecturer at a polytechnic college, he was well aware about other fields. It broke my heart to hear that he passed away with so much suffering.

When this story was recounted in front of the family, they blamed the hospital for not treating their patients properly, when the reality is that Pseudomonas is an acquired infection from hospitals and very resistant to treatment. I then realised that there was a communication gap between doctors and the patient party.

I aim to help bridge the gap that has formed between healthcare providers and their recipients, and it all starts by explaining what exactly they are going through. I have begun to reach that goal by explaining what my family are or were going through, and though it may be time consuming to actually explain in detail the conditions they face, they become more aware, and their family members do not have any misconceptions.

I hope that in the future, I can help bridge this divide on a larger scale, as it is the cause for many preconceived notions about the work that we do in this field and the prejudices many people have about doctors and why lab investigation and treatment costs are increasing. It helps to bring about more information to those that are suffering from diseases that can be dealt with, by adapting a slightly different lifestyle. I will work hard to communicate more with my patients and explain what exactly we are doing to help them get better in time. 

Change

If there's one constant in this world, it's that change is inevitable.

Once again, this is a post that I write the night before an exam (in this case, microbiology practicals.. I really should read up for the oral exam in the morning, but I just needed to write, and here I am!)

Change can be forced on you. In my life, 2010 was a year filled with it: change in education system, change in address, change in lifestyle and other changes. I welcomed those changes because, well, I didn't have much choice in them, but either I loved the change, or I grew to like them. It was either part of a package, or separate from the rest.

Change can be unexpected. Every year, for as long as I can remember, we used to be with our grandparents and other relatives during the summer holidays, but after years of pestering my father, we got to spend 20 days touring Europe. It was essentially a dream come true. I would wake up each day thinking I was still dreaming, and I loved ever minute of it. The beauty that lies in the European terrain can never be replicated (this is inclusive of the cities and the men :P). Summer 2011 was one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I hope that some day, I can go back there, and stay in each city for longer than a day. They hold so much history and mystery, it's no wonder people love to visit Europe so much!

Change can be painful. Not being able to spend the traditional festivals with the family, not being able to keep in touch with friends because of time zone differences and not being able to have just that one person you were able to talk to so easily a year ago are painful, but these are things that help us grow stronger, or help us learn to put on a brave face. Some things can be ameliorated. I began to use Whatsapp messenger, so keeping in touch with my physics major best friend became easier, or at least it became a little more frequent, and sometimes, you just need to be by yourself to figure out those people that are always going to be by your side no matter what. It took someone walking out (for a still unknown reason) of my life for me to realise that family and those who look to you as family are the people that will always be there for you.

But change is unavoidable. It's what makes the world go round. It's what keeps time moving, and makes us grow up. It makes us face reality, and helps us deal with the troubles that life throws at us. There is some comfort in looking back at the fun times that have been there, but the road ahead never goes away, and sadly, we can't walk backwards on that road. So no matter what, I shall keep my head up high, walk tall, and get through all that life has to offer, because no matter what changes, the one thing I will try not to change is that I can face life looking it in the eye.

Music

Surprisingly, I end up indulging in new music around exam time. Sometimes it'd not be music, but a whole bunch of films, or a new TV series (for proof, refer to 'tale as old as time'). I'm glad it's music this time, since I can listen to it whenever I want, wherever I want, and I can study with it too. A good classical piece can bring you inner peace during a stressful period. A loud rock song can express all the stress better than words alone ever could. Singing any song can relieve the frustrations that lay buried deep inside.

I normally listen to music as I study because it helps me block out the rest of the world. Most times, I play a track on repeat during this time. Because one track gets repeated close to a hundred times (some days, not even that far) I get used to the song, and I try to find new tracks to listen to. This is where my physics major best friend sitting miles away from me comes into picture. She is currently taking a music theory class at her university, and she came across a lot of new music (ok, well, new to my ears, not so new to the world). She sent me a few of the tracks she had listened to in class, and I fell in love with the simple yet complex classical music, felt at peace with the music from the middle ages, and was blown over by music once again.

I have learnt Carnatic music since I was 5 years old. Singing is not something new to me, but I am choosy about my audience. I usually sing to myself, my teacher, my family, and a few family friends. My sister and I (she learnt for a few years, but not as many as I) are the only ones known to sing in my family. But, in a recent Skype session with the family, Dad started to sing a song that was very popular, but as I had not learnt it, I was not familiar with the lyrics. And so we let him sing, and although I normally cringe whenever he used to just mock sing at home, I was happy when he sang. He doesn't have the best voice out there, he sings out of tune at times, but he sings without inhibition when he's with the four of us. I admire him for that. I told his best friend, when he called me up last week, about it, and he was surprised. I told my uncle (Dad's brother) and he was quite curious to know about it as well. For a week, I was looking forward to my Skype session just to hear Dad sing more, and this week, he chose a wonderful set of songs, and as the countdown to coming home has begun, I am looking forward to going back and learning these songs that my father has discovered, and brought out the interest in learning the nuances of Carnatic music in him. It is a beautiful art form, one that has been a part of Indian culture for centuries, and one of my favourite genres of music. Many of the songs are devotional, but when thoroughly searched, patriotic songs, songs that relate funny incidents from the great epics, and songs that teach us how to be a good person can be found.

I would like to believe that there are a few things in this world that define who I am : (in no particular order)
1. My love for the medical field. (My excellence in it is a different issue, but I am working on it)
2. My passionate devotion to music. (I have come to appreciate good songs from various genres)
3. My loving and supportive family.
4. My lovable and, sometimes, crazy friends, who make my day so much more brighter.

Mind reading

Mind reading is something that amazes people. It's an illusion, whereby one can interpret the thoughts of another through facial expression. I'm an experienced mind reader for a few people. I am going to use the example of one of my best friends here. I have spent countless hours with her, and I am able to interpret her facial expressions into a full length paragraph, if need be. There are times when I would be able to interpret a text message differently if she adds in a comma, or a full stop. It's not a gift from the Gods, it's not something I was born with; it's a quality I have gained because I spend time with people, and observe their mannerisms, to know them better, and with that knowledge I am able to make accurate assumptions on what is currently playing in their heads.

There is a friend of mine (ok, well, we're standing on the borderline, so where are we?) who uses text messaging and whatsapp as our major form of communication. We do meet up and talk, or talk on the phone once in a while, but texts are how we communicate most days. Initially, I thought it was a good thing, since we're both busy, we have different schedules, we run in different social circles, and although we live on the same campus, it isn't easy to spend as much time together as we'd like. But, when your strongest form of communication is by text message, where the only emotions you display at times are through words and emoticons, how can you develop the ability to 'read minds'? We make assumptions as to how well we know the other, or what the person is thinking, but without an increase in human contact, without the gadgets getting in the way, how much can we actually know someone?

I used to think that, in the days when letter writing was, at times, the only means of communication for some, writing released inhibitions, and that I could express all that I wanted to in a letter, and the person receiving it would know exactly how I felt as I wrote it. Nowadays, technology has manoeuvred itself by taking that to a whole new level, where we display emotions as a range of emoticons that are supposed to help us explain what we would have expressed on our faces had the recipient been right in front of us.

In my texts, I use emoticons quite often, especially when I'm particularly happy, or when I'm trying to make a joke or sarcastic comment. Sometimes, the use of emoticons are not restricted to texts alone. I use them in my notes, and I'm sure I've used them on this blog too. There are days when I'm not so particularly joyful (there aren't that many, I hope) and I don't use any at all. Those who know me would know that, I suppose. But does that really make up for not being able to see the expression on a person's face?

In the end, a mind reader is someone who is able to interpret your thoughts based on your facial expressions and body language, rather than interpret what they can from a text message or email, where messages can be cryptic or naked, depending on the mood of the writer and the context of the message.

Recently, there have been moments where I would have loved to not have to be a mind reader by interpreting texts, as the replies I could have sent to some people would have been snappy and harsh, which is not something I like to do, and I reserve those moments for those that really deserve it. 

Family

I was a little homesick last night. The weight of the books started to crush me, and normally, having family around would help a lot. To help get a little better, I went to see a friend of mine, who is currently in her first year of med school at my college. I've known her for almost 14-16 years, which is pretty much most of my life. Our families are close, as our fathers work for the same company, live in the same area, and gather in the same social circles. I was thankful that I was not alone in this place, during a time when textbooks are to be my only companion.

It wasn't enough. I had to skype call home. I spent an hour talking to my parents and my sister. They gave me a lot of advice, which is the norm for them, and this time, I did not get frustrated with their repeated sentences that have been etched into my brain. I welcomed it with a smile. Within minutes, the conversation turned into laughter, and I felt as though I was sitting in my living room, and laughing with them about silly things. Talking about school and teachers, about my father's experiences when he first moved, poking fun at him along with mom and my sister, it felt like I never left home. When my father said 'bye', reality came crashing down. I was still separated by a mere computer screen. I was back in my room. It hit me that I have grown to love my family more over the time that I have been away from them.

We don't talk as often as we'd like. This is mostly my fault, as I call them mostly once or twice a week. They don't call because they know I stay in the library long, and am tired by the time I get back to the room. Whatsapp messenger has made it a little easier to communicate with Dad, and I'm trying to get Mum on Viber. My sister sneaks in phone calls, during which we catch up on things.

I love my friends here to bits. They are amazing, and are a wonderful group of people that I am blessed to be around. But there are times when the only comfort that will help you gain strength is that given by family.

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'

I miss home and my family so much. I will keep counting the days until I am back to savour Mum's food, Dad's random statements at the TV during a cricket match/ political debate, and bicker over the 'peace' earrings with my 15 year old twin.

Until that day, I will skype as often as I can, and with the strength they give me, I will work hard this semester.