Change

If there's one constant in this world, it's that change is inevitable.

Once again, this is a post that I write the night before an exam (in this case, microbiology practicals.. I really should read up for the oral exam in the morning, but I just needed to write, and here I am!)

Change can be forced on you. In my life, 2010 was a year filled with it: change in education system, change in address, change in lifestyle and other changes. I welcomed those changes because, well, I didn't have much choice in them, but either I loved the change, or I grew to like them. It was either part of a package, or separate from the rest.

Change can be unexpected. Every year, for as long as I can remember, we used to be with our grandparents and other relatives during the summer holidays, but after years of pestering my father, we got to spend 20 days touring Europe. It was essentially a dream come true. I would wake up each day thinking I was still dreaming, and I loved ever minute of it. The beauty that lies in the European terrain can never be replicated (this is inclusive of the cities and the men :P). Summer 2011 was one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I hope that some day, I can go back there, and stay in each city for longer than a day. They hold so much history and mystery, it's no wonder people love to visit Europe so much!

Change can be painful. Not being able to spend the traditional festivals with the family, not being able to keep in touch with friends because of time zone differences and not being able to have just that one person you were able to talk to so easily a year ago are painful, but these are things that help us grow stronger, or help us learn to put on a brave face. Some things can be ameliorated. I began to use Whatsapp messenger, so keeping in touch with my physics major best friend became easier, or at least it became a little more frequent, and sometimes, you just need to be by yourself to figure out those people that are always going to be by your side no matter what. It took someone walking out (for a still unknown reason) of my life for me to realise that family and those who look to you as family are the people that will always be there for you.

But change is unavoidable. It's what makes the world go round. It's what keeps time moving, and makes us grow up. It makes us face reality, and helps us deal with the troubles that life throws at us. There is some comfort in looking back at the fun times that have been there, but the road ahead never goes away, and sadly, we can't walk backwards on that road. So no matter what, I shall keep my head up high, walk tall, and get through all that life has to offer, because no matter what changes, the one thing I will try not to change is that I can face life looking it in the eye.

Music

Surprisingly, I end up indulging in new music around exam time. Sometimes it'd not be music, but a whole bunch of films, or a new TV series (for proof, refer to 'tale as old as time'). I'm glad it's music this time, since I can listen to it whenever I want, wherever I want, and I can study with it too. A good classical piece can bring you inner peace during a stressful period. A loud rock song can express all the stress better than words alone ever could. Singing any song can relieve the frustrations that lay buried deep inside.

I normally listen to music as I study because it helps me block out the rest of the world. Most times, I play a track on repeat during this time. Because one track gets repeated close to a hundred times (some days, not even that far) I get used to the song, and I try to find new tracks to listen to. This is where my physics major best friend sitting miles away from me comes into picture. She is currently taking a music theory class at her university, and she came across a lot of new music (ok, well, new to my ears, not so new to the world). She sent me a few of the tracks she had listened to in class, and I fell in love with the simple yet complex classical music, felt at peace with the music from the middle ages, and was blown over by music once again.

I have learnt Carnatic music since I was 5 years old. Singing is not something new to me, but I am choosy about my audience. I usually sing to myself, my teacher, my family, and a few family friends. My sister and I (she learnt for a few years, but not as many as I) are the only ones known to sing in my family. But, in a recent Skype session with the family, Dad started to sing a song that was very popular, but as I had not learnt it, I was not familiar with the lyrics. And so we let him sing, and although I normally cringe whenever he used to just mock sing at home, I was happy when he sang. He doesn't have the best voice out there, he sings out of tune at times, but he sings without inhibition when he's with the four of us. I admire him for that. I told his best friend, when he called me up last week, about it, and he was surprised. I told my uncle (Dad's brother) and he was quite curious to know about it as well. For a week, I was looking forward to my Skype session just to hear Dad sing more, and this week, he chose a wonderful set of songs, and as the countdown to coming home has begun, I am looking forward to going back and learning these songs that my father has discovered, and brought out the interest in learning the nuances of Carnatic music in him. It is a beautiful art form, one that has been a part of Indian culture for centuries, and one of my favourite genres of music. Many of the songs are devotional, but when thoroughly searched, patriotic songs, songs that relate funny incidents from the great epics, and songs that teach us how to be a good person can be found.

I would like to believe that there are a few things in this world that define who I am : (in no particular order)
1. My love for the medical field. (My excellence in it is a different issue, but I am working on it)
2. My passionate devotion to music. (I have come to appreciate good songs from various genres)
3. My loving and supportive family.
4. My lovable and, sometimes, crazy friends, who make my day so much more brighter.

Mind reading

Mind reading is something that amazes people. It's an illusion, whereby one can interpret the thoughts of another through facial expression. I'm an experienced mind reader for a few people. I am going to use the example of one of my best friends here. I have spent countless hours with her, and I am able to interpret her facial expressions into a full length paragraph, if need be. There are times when I would be able to interpret a text message differently if she adds in a comma, or a full stop. It's not a gift from the Gods, it's not something I was born with; it's a quality I have gained because I spend time with people, and observe their mannerisms, to know them better, and with that knowledge I am able to make accurate assumptions on what is currently playing in their heads.

There is a friend of mine (ok, well, we're standing on the borderline, so where are we?) who uses text messaging and whatsapp as our major form of communication. We do meet up and talk, or talk on the phone once in a while, but texts are how we communicate most days. Initially, I thought it was a good thing, since we're both busy, we have different schedules, we run in different social circles, and although we live on the same campus, it isn't easy to spend as much time together as we'd like. But, when your strongest form of communication is by text message, where the only emotions you display at times are through words and emoticons, how can you develop the ability to 'read minds'? We make assumptions as to how well we know the other, or what the person is thinking, but without an increase in human contact, without the gadgets getting in the way, how much can we actually know someone?

I used to think that, in the days when letter writing was, at times, the only means of communication for some, writing released inhibitions, and that I could express all that I wanted to in a letter, and the person receiving it would know exactly how I felt as I wrote it. Nowadays, technology has manoeuvred itself by taking that to a whole new level, where we display emotions as a range of emoticons that are supposed to help us explain what we would have expressed on our faces had the recipient been right in front of us.

In my texts, I use emoticons quite often, especially when I'm particularly happy, or when I'm trying to make a joke or sarcastic comment. Sometimes, the use of emoticons are not restricted to texts alone. I use them in my notes, and I'm sure I've used them on this blog too. There are days when I'm not so particularly joyful (there aren't that many, I hope) and I don't use any at all. Those who know me would know that, I suppose. But does that really make up for not being able to see the expression on a person's face?

In the end, a mind reader is someone who is able to interpret your thoughts based on your facial expressions and body language, rather than interpret what they can from a text message or email, where messages can be cryptic or naked, depending on the mood of the writer and the context of the message.

Recently, there have been moments where I would have loved to not have to be a mind reader by interpreting texts, as the replies I could have sent to some people would have been snappy and harsh, which is not something I like to do, and I reserve those moments for those that really deserve it. 

Family

I was a little homesick last night. The weight of the books started to crush me, and normally, having family around would help a lot. To help get a little better, I went to see a friend of mine, who is currently in her first year of med school at my college. I've known her for almost 14-16 years, which is pretty much most of my life. Our families are close, as our fathers work for the same company, live in the same area, and gather in the same social circles. I was thankful that I was not alone in this place, during a time when textbooks are to be my only companion.

It wasn't enough. I had to skype call home. I spent an hour talking to my parents and my sister. They gave me a lot of advice, which is the norm for them, and this time, I did not get frustrated with their repeated sentences that have been etched into my brain. I welcomed it with a smile. Within minutes, the conversation turned into laughter, and I felt as though I was sitting in my living room, and laughing with them about silly things. Talking about school and teachers, about my father's experiences when he first moved, poking fun at him along with mom and my sister, it felt like I never left home. When my father said 'bye', reality came crashing down. I was still separated by a mere computer screen. I was back in my room. It hit me that I have grown to love my family more over the time that I have been away from them.

We don't talk as often as we'd like. This is mostly my fault, as I call them mostly once or twice a week. They don't call because they know I stay in the library long, and am tired by the time I get back to the room. Whatsapp messenger has made it a little easier to communicate with Dad, and I'm trying to get Mum on Viber. My sister sneaks in phone calls, during which we catch up on things.

I love my friends here to bits. They are amazing, and are a wonderful group of people that I am blessed to be around. But there are times when the only comfort that will help you gain strength is that given by family.

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'

I miss home and my family so much. I will keep counting the days until I am back to savour Mum's food, Dad's random statements at the TV during a cricket match/ political debate, and bicker over the 'peace' earrings with my 15 year old twin.

Until that day, I will skype as often as I can, and with the strength they give me, I will work hard this semester. 

From dark to light

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The dark is something many people have feared as a child. I remember asking my parents to keep a night light on, so that the ‘boogie monster’ does not creep out from the dark crevices under my bed, and consume me whole as I lay asleep. As I grew older, the darkness became a part of my life. Not only did it morph into fear, but it also took its shape as depression, evil, ignorance and loneliness. There came a point where I gradually began to embrace the darkness, and started living with it.

Living in the dark corner, I shut out a lot of people from my life; I essentially kept to myself and feared contact with the outside world. I loved to be a part of my cold, dark world, where it was quiet, and anyone breaking that silence angered me. Anger was another form of the darkness within me. It was the form that helped me stay in solitude, and let me stay blissfully ignorant to all that life had to offer.

Although I seemed to pride myself in being in this dark abyss, there were moments when I could appreciate a few rays of light. It was like seeing a starry sky. These rays came from sudden sources, usually people that were around, who just gave a smile and walked past. It is strange what a stranger’s smile can do to a person’s mood.  It made me see things in a different light. Maybe I was not meant to remain in the dark; maybe there was more to life than my dark corner.

As time passed, I began to appreciate the brighter side of life. I started climbing out of my black hole, and slowly came into contact with the world. When surrounded by people, I began to find comfort in them. They would help bring a smile on my face, and they had taught me how to laugh. Happiness was something I had lost touch with, and they brought it back in my life. These people got categorised as my friends and family.

It took some time to get used to the brightness that was creeping into my life. It was not blinding, but there were times where I would shy away and try to hide back into the cold corner, although I started to love being in the warmth. In that corner, I began to appreciate the different colours of life, like the water and laser shows. The dark helped bring out the vivid colours and they mesmerised me. I started to appreciate the light more, and eventually, left the corner to step out into the light.

I could be seen with a smile on my face. I had no fear in getting to know people. The silence that I once embraced began to be filled with music and laughter. My stoic expression and movement metamorphosed into expressive dance. Black slowly turned into a medley of colours. Light became a part of my life.

Light is an entity that sheds rays everywhere. It can penetrate unknown corners and make them appear to the world. Once in the light, people take notice of all that was in hidden in the dark. They then make the choice of bringing it with them or leaving them behind. I was lucky to be allowed to come out of the darkness.

Soon enough, I was the stranger who would share a smile, and spread it for miles. There were days where I would be laughing all day, and in the process help perk up those around me. Spreading joy brought me more joy. The transition from my gloomy self to this bright persona was one that I had not anticipated, and yet found myself embracing.

Over time, I was called ‘a positive force’, ‘a happy-go-lucky person’ and many other titles. I have accepted those titles with grace, and with the knowledge that I have not gotten them with ease.

Although the light is necessary for life, too much can be blinding. Balance of light and dark is the ideal. I know I will not be able to stay as bright as I am, and when things do not go as planned, I will choose to go back to sitting in the dark and going unnoticed. Yet, I know now, that I will not stay there forever, and that the light will find me, sooner or later.

 “Lights will guide you home.” -Coldplay

This is a piece I wrote for my college's yearbook. I guess writing helps me put out stress, and this sem's bound to be a stress filled one. Hopefully this will push me to write more, even if it means spouting nonsense from time to time :P  

Bucket lists

We all think we're going to live forever. We know we're going to die someday, but we plan so far ahead sometimes, it seems like we'll live forever. Most girls plan out their wedding day, the number of kids they want to have, what kind of man their husband should be like, it goes on. Medical students plan out what they want to specialise in, where they want to do that specialty, when they want to settle down in life etc. But can we actually control these things? Is life ever truly in our hands? We didn't control how we were born, so how can we control how we die? (this of course, barring suicide)

So why not make a to-do list, with the deadline being 'before you kick the bucket'? You were put on this earth for a reason, might as well try to find it, in your own weird, quirky way, or just see what's out there, apart from the routine life a lot of us lead.

Forming the list shows what people would want to appreciate most in life. It could range from adventure, travel, family, friends, love.. you name it. To me, the bucket list in a way can show what a person thinks they lack in their day to day life.

I guess it's a concept that's been adopted by the Make-A-Wish Foundation, where those children that suffer from fatal illnesses are granted the one wish they have before their death. It's a brilliant way to see a smile on these children, who suffer at such a young age. I would love to help grant a wish for one of these children someday.

My (unfinished) bucket list:
1. Have a white Christmas.
2. Skydiving.
3. Hold a snake (like in a zoo, not a wild one).
4. See the Taj Mahal.
5. Get a puppy.
6. (To be entered)

Hope... An optimist's tool to get through each day?

I've seen myself as an optimist. I haven't always been one though, but I realised that having a positive outlook  makes it easier to get through each day. Most of that positive thinking is concentrated on 'hope'. Hope for the better, hope for the future, hope for everything. But is it all an illusion? Is it just our mind playing tricks on us, to get us to see a blurred reality?
Hope may be a tool for us optimists, but how far does it get us through life? For example, if I were to keep hoping that dodo birds are going to be around again, that's a little too far (I would have said dinosaurs, but all those that believe that Jurassic Park can happen would throw eggs at me :P ). But, if I hope that somewhere along the line, they find a drug that can target a specific set of mutated genes, or fix a mutated codon, it may be a little more realistic, but not entirely, because who knows how long that will take.
Where is the line between being an optimist, a realist and a pessimist? Is is how much we hope in our day to day life? Or is it how much we believe in the betterment of tomorrow, that things will get better than they are now, and that there is some good reason for our bad misfortune?
Is hope seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but not knowing that the light is from an approaching train? 

To Sir, with love..

I really need to fulfil the requirements of creating a blog. I could always use my golden reason (or excuse, whichever you want to call it :P ) 'I'm a medical student; I don't have enough time to sit and write!'. But, Time management has never been my strongest suit (on days that I don't have exams, mostly), so that's my reason.

Now that I have gotten rid of the guilt, I shall proceed with this post.

In my first year, I had to spend a year learning the anatomy of the human body. It involved lectures, demonstrations and dissection sessions. Dissection classes were kept right after our lunch break, and it lasted 2 hours. It was there that I made most of my friends, my favourite teacher and learnt a lot, alongside fooling around (immature first year med students you see :P ). Table 2, the cadaver and the formalin smell became our second home that year. After the initial few weeks of confusion, apprehension and homesickness, we all got along well with each other. I have fond memories of the shenanigans that happened at our table, and I continue to spend time with my tablemates, as some of us get posted together during our clinical assignments.

I have to say though, I met most of my batchmates as high school kids. I watched them grow up (I have, too!) and mature to the college students that they are (some of them, not so much maturity, but my tolerance level for them increased), and most of this I had observed during these sessions. The class was allotted for 2 hours, out of which our teacher would teach for an hour, and the other hour was meant to be utilised to observe the structures. It was utilised when the need for it arose (eg. revision before table tests or exams) but mostly, the other hour was spent cracking jokes and just interacting with one another. It was when I saw them grow.

Apart from that, it was where we all met Dr. B, our first anatomy teacher, and our mentor. He was a spectacular teacher who taught us the upper limb, and made us feel more comfortable in our initial days away from home.
'Have any of you tried to see what is under this?'-Dr. B
It all began when he unveiled the cadaver to us, because we were all slightly cowardly to look at what was under the big green cloth covering the body. As the days progressed, we all eagerly awaited his classes, and paid utmost attention when he taught us the muscles, nerves, blood supply and the few clinical applications of the anatomy.

The department has a policy to rotate teachers after the completion of each region of the body. But our contact with Sir never faded. We would go to him for academic advice during the year, or just go up to him to inquire about him. As we moved on to our paraclinical and clinical subjects, we weren't able to see him as much. When we did, he would greet us with a smile, and tell us stories about his experiences and inquire about what we were up to.

He has struggled a lot in this field, and has inspired us (I think I can safely say that) to become good, moraled clinicians.
'I can face whatever they throw at me.'
That was his attitude towards his career life, and in my opinion, it's only the strong ones who can go through a lot, and come out successful.

This post is for you Sir, and we will surely miss your presence here. You have seen us all grow up, and you helped us so much. The college you're moving to and its students are lucky to have you!